Depression: a pastor’s wife comes out of the dark
by Mary Southerland
It was the spring of 1995, and I knew that something was very wrong in my life. I was absolutely empty and completely exhausted. It seemed as if I had been living in the fast and furious lane forever! Overwhelmed, I sat down and listed the demands of my life:
• I had a hectic speaking schedule.
• I directed the Women’s Ministry at our church.
• I taught a Tuesday morning Bible study.
• I taught a monthly Community Bible Study.
• I counseled women in crisis several times a week.
• I was the pianist for three worship services.
• I taught twenty piano and voice students twice a week.
• I was the pastor’s wife in a large and fast-growing church.
• I was the mother of two young childrenNo wonder I was struggling. I was just plain tired! My husband and I decided that a vacation was in order and headed for the hills of North Carolina. That vacation was a complete blur. When asked any question I would respond with “I don’t know!” or “I don’t care!”
Dan and I talked for hours, cried together and pleaded with God for direction. Heading home, we both knew that I was in serious trouble. I had always been very strong, driven to excel in everything. I prided myself on being a perfectionist with great discipline and little sympathy for weak people.
Now I, the strong one, could not even get out of bed. If I was dressed by the time my children came home from school it was a good day. The simplest decision sent me into a panic and the thought of facing a crowd was overwhelming.
Many times I walked to the front door of the church but could not go in. I felt guilty when I missed a service but could not handle the sympathetic looks and questioning stares as I stood, weeping uncontrollably. The large tasks were out of the question while the simplest tasks seemed like huge mountains. Meals, housework and errands were all left undone.
I was paralyzed. I had fallen into a deep dark pit. I had no idea how I had gotten there and what was even more frightening was the fact that I had no idea how to escape!
Listen carefully! There is a way out! You do not have to be a prisoner of the darkness! I am not a psychologist or medical expert. I am just like you. I simply want to share my pain, my victory and my journey from the darkness into the Light!
Over the next six weeks we’ll examine life-changing truths found in a passage of scripture that God gave to me in the darkness. It has become a precious life promise and my path to the Light.
Psalm 40:1-3 “For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” (NIV)
Truth one: We must understand what depression is!
The Psalmist vividly describes depression as a slimy pit filled with mud and mire, a swamp-like prison. Escape seems impossible while fear reigns, wreaking havoc from a throne of incredible darkness and unspeakable loneliness. Someone once called depression “a dark tunnel without a ray of light.” Cartoonists portray it as “little black cloud hovering overhead.” I have a friend who says, “Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.”
Florida is famous for its sinkholes. I find them fascinating having grown up in Texas where holes are made on purpose. As I studied these craters that seemed to appear overnight, I discovered an interesting explanation. The ground suddenly collapses with no warning and seemingly for no reason – when actually, it is the culmination of a long process. Scientists say that sinkholes occur when the underground resources dry up, causing the soil at the surface to lose its underlying support. Then everything simply caves in and an ugly pit is formed.
Depression and sinkholes have a lot in common! Depression seems to overwhelm with a vicious suddenness when it is actually the result of a subtle and gradual process. Inner resources are slowly depleted until one day there is nothing left. The world caves in and our existence seems to be swallowed up in a pit of darkness.
Many people believe that depression is simply a spiritual problem while others believe that it is only a physical or emotional problem. I know that it is both! Depression is America’s number one health problem. Studies indicate that as many as half of all women and one out of three men struggle with depression on a regular basis. I think that we can safely say that almost everyone experiences depression at some point in life. We need to face it honestly, with emotional integrity.
The first step out of the pit of depression is to face and understand depression as an illness that permeates and affects every part of our identity.
Truth two: We must know who can struggle with depression.
Before a personal experience in the pit, my favorite spiritual encouragement to those who struggled with depression was to “Get over it!” or “Deal with it!” because my picture of the victorious Christian allowed no room for weakness. After all, I was the wife of a pastor and a grounded Christian. People like me were not supposed to struggle with depression!
Notice that the author of Psalm 40 is David, a man of power and prestige. He seemed to have it all, including the special favor of God. “A man after my own heart” God said of David. People like that should not struggle with depression! But David did - along with many other choice servants of God.
• Job longed for death, questioning why he was ever born!• Elijah sat under a juniper tree begging God to let him die!
• Paul writes to the Corinthians: “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.”
• Martin Luther wrote the great hymn, “A Mighty Fortress is Our God,” from his own deep pit of depression.
• Charles Spurgeon, one of the greatest preachers to ever live, often battled depression!
• Jesus fought His own battle with darkness. On the cross, He cried out to His Father in unbearable loneliness, pain and sorrow!
So cheer up! If you sense the darkness nipping at your heels, you are in great company, my friend! Who can struggle with depression? The answer is really quite simple. Anyone can!
Right now I encourage you to be honest and transparent with yourself before God. Ask Him for discernment and strength to identify and face the darkness in your life, knowing that you are not alone. By faith, celebrate this truth that will lead you out of the darkness and into the Light.
Next Week: What are the factors that can lead to depression?
- What it is and Whom can suffer from it
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